Weird stuff happens to your body when you turn 30. As if all your previous awkward phases (missing teeth, chubby, puberty, chubby again) weren’t enough, adulthood comes along and punishes you with one more. It’s like life’s little reminder that from here on out you’re just going to get older and older until you are very old and die, and all you have to show for it are annoying physical signs of aging.*
Aging is something you don’t think about until you notice that it’s happening to you. One day you look in the mirror and start poking and pulling parts of your face and hoisting and lifting your breasts and your butt, and a thought crosses your mind: THAT’S where that’s supposed to be. And then you let go, and gravity is like NOPE.
My challenges range from “Where did this chin hair come from?” to “I swear all I did was look at the pizza, and my pants stopped fitting.” (Thank God for high-rise jeans. So much extra fabric to cover your torso!) It’s really fun to wake up and wonder how you can camouflage a new part of your body so you can a) pretend none of this is happening and b) spare innocent bystanders.
A couple months ago I went to one of those living room parties where a nice lady comes and sells you things you never knew you needed. My friend Hannah invited me, and I decided to go, with little to no intention of buying any of the skincare products this stranger would be peddling. We put our feet in little tubs with bath salts, and I won chocolate for asking questions. Not for answering them — just for asking! I decided I liked the party.
We passed around different lotions and serums, testing them out as the woman gave us some background on the company and its products. It was all fun and games until she told us that the U.S. has super lax chemical laws when it comes to cosmetics. She said dead pets and roadkill are ground up and processed to make makeup. WHAT?! COME ON, LADY! I didn’t fact check her, but I figured if she was going to such great lengths to sell me face wash, I should at least consider it.
Speaking of face wash, I hate washing my face. I’m pretty lucky in that I’ve never had issues with acne. Annoying zits? Yes. But nothing that I ever thought necessitated a facial cleansing regimen. I’ve used plenty of eye makeup remover and wash my face in the shower, but never has a daily routine existed. I realized at the party that this was a giant no-no and that the gunk under my skin has been waiting like 20 years to get out. Woops.
Also, because I’ve always had dry skin, it took me a long time to start caring about facial moisturizer. Until I graduated college, I would just slather on whatever body lotion was closest and call it a day. I never worried that it was too oily or that someone’s dead cat was used to make it. But those days are over!
My friend Amanda, whose use of skin
lotions & serums magic potions is both mysterious and effective, once told me, “You only get one face.” I think it was her response when I made fun of her seaweed mask or something. I only get ONE FACE, and it’s falling victim to fine lines and wrinkles! As I flipped through the catalog of overpriced products, I found myself in the anti-aging section. I need this. It’s expensive, so it has to work. It was settled. I impulse-bought a ton of crap, and now I have to use it.
Here’s what my face now endures on a daily basis:
Smoothing Facial Cleanser
If this stuff is trying to make me look younger, it’s working. I’ve gotten zits in my eyebrows, under my eyes, on my lip (MY LIP, YOU GUYS.), and a few of the regular chin & forehead variety. So by “younger” I mean “breaking out the day before the Homecoming dance” younger. Hopefully this is just phase 1 of its magic powers. Sidenote: When talking with one of my 17-year-old Young Life girls about skincare, we realized her mom and I use the same face wash. “Is it the kind that smells like oranges, and it’s, like, for old people?” she asked. Yes. Yes, that’s the one.
Intensive Renewal Serum
I don’t really know what this is for, but I like to dab it on my face and then smack it into my skin, Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone style. It’s part of the anti-aging line, so hopefully it’s working its magic. But all I can really tell you is that after I’m finished applying it, my face feels as soft as a baby’s bottom. When’s the last time you felt a baby’s bottom? They’re soft.
Corrective Eye Cream
This is the one I’m really counting on. You know, I really wish someone would have told me to stop smiling at a young age. That could have prevented these eye wrinkles and smile lines that finally reared their ugly heads in my 30s. Listen to me: if you are a young girl who is reading this unattended on your parents’ iPad, stop smiling. Stop. If you’re happy, just hide it. Smiling will get you nowhere, I promise. You’ll thank me in 20 to 25 years.
Night Repair Cream
How this works differently in the night than it would during the day is beyond me, but who am I to question this expensive bottled jar of goo? One time I applied it in the morning by accident, and it threw the entire rest of my day off. That’s not true, but wouldn’t it be weird if it were?
After a solid week of using these products twice a day religiously, I began to feel entitled to some results. How could I possibly still have these lines on my forehead? I asked myself, staring into the mirror indignantly. I decided maybe I needed to put even more stuff on my face to accelerate the process.
Since my night cream apparently works only at night, I picked up a daytime moisturizer. At first I wasn’t sure which brand to get, but I settled on Aveeno “Positively Ageless” because Jennifer Aniston is on all their commercials, and I had just finished watching all 10 seasons of Friends on Netflix. #logic It contains SPF 30, which brings me to more advice for young girls: Never go outside. Never. The sun is an evil ball of fire, and it will give you nothing but irreparable skin damage for decades to come. Just stay inside and knit or, if you want to simulate a sunny day, sit quietly in a room with a bunch of lamps on. Problem solved. You’re welcome.
Then I grabbed some primer because the lady at the skincare party said it “fills in the cracks” of your skin before you apply your makeup. Sort of like a mortar for your face? I don’t think it actually does anything, but, as you can tell, that hasn’t stopped me from trying. I just layer it on top of everything else before putting on my makeup and hope for the best!
I can’t really say if I’ve reversed the signs of aging over the past couple months. I probably should have taken some before & after photos or a public poll. I probably wouldn’t even care about any of this if I weren’t trying to trick younger guys into noticing me. It’s hard to keep up with the girls who have yet to discover their first weird facial hair or that their metabolism has slowed to a crawl. But someday gravity will pay them a visit, and I’ll swoop in with my infinite wisdom and, more importantly, my high-waisted jeans & arsenal of anti-aging skincare products, and defeat them all.
*Although this post does contain some facts(ish), it is not meant to be serious whatsoever.