A few years ago I heard someone say that asking “What do you do?” to a stranger has become outdated. “What do you do?” is, of course, code for “What is your job?” which, he thought, isn’t really the best way to get to know a person, especially a person who doesn’t identify with their line of work or is possibly out of work.
So he decided to drop “What do you do?” and start asking “What’s your story?” upon first meeting someone — an open-ended question with endless possibilities for ways to answer: chronological, order of importance, life stages. But when he tried it on me, I didn’t know how to answer. Plus I was like Buzz off! We just met! I shied away from the idea of telling my “story” because I wasn’t completely sure if I had anything worth telling at all.
We’re obsessed with stories, though, aren’t we? We fall in love with a TV series because we can’t wait to see what happens next. The first question after a friend gets engaged is “How did he do it?” We want the story. Books, movies, news — we’re conditioned to digest them, one after another. The suspense. The climax. The resolution. The happy ending. But when it comes to my own story, I’ve struggled to even write the first line.
I used to date someone who was really good at telling stories. His life seemed full of funny little adventures, and he articulated them in a way that made even the simplest moments seem significant. They had a beginning, a middle, and an end — the perfect little package. I rarely knew how to respond. The thought of responding with an anecdote about my normal, non-eventful day at work was so intimidating. I did much more listening in that relationship than talking, and it’s because I didn’t believe in my story.
I’m not sure if things are any different now. Since moving back to Indianapolis over two years ago, I’ve felt like a supporting character in everyone else’s story and never the leading lady. Huge celebration-worthy life moments have happened for so many people I love and adore. First loves, engagements, weddings, houses, babies, more babies. Plot points. Advancement of the story.
I’m always there in the background, sometimes even the sidekick. And stories need those people, right? They need secondary characters and subplots and cameos. It keeps things interesting. I’m honored to play that supporting role for my friends and family. But selfishly, I long for a better story to tell.
My sister is getting married this summer. I just attended two friends’ weddings, and I have one more coming up in August. Three dear friends have had babies this spring. Between showers and weddings and babies and even a cluster of birthdays, I’ve been celebrating new chapters in the stories of my loved ones for a few solid weeks, and I’ve loved every second of it. But now that there’s a lull and I’ve had a chance to exhale, that selfishness has reared its ugly head. There’s nothing to celebrate about ME.
It makes me think of this moment in the movie Bridesmaids when Annie says of her friend Lillian: “I feel like her life is going off and getting perfect and mine is just like *fart noise*.”
When I told my best friend Brittany I was feeling this way, her response was the best, most gracious bit of wisdom I could have ever received. She said this time in my life is special. It’s a time when I can support, love, and give in ways others can’t because of how their stories have advanced. She said her hope for me is that I can truly take comfort in knowing that God knows what I need. And those parts of the story I think I need — the relationship, the marriage, the family — none of those will ever fulfill me the way He will.
But the best thing she said, something I will never forget, is this: “I know sometimes life seems boring, but it won’t be that way forever. Life following Jesus isn’t like that. The calm is just a break.”
The calm is just a break.
It turns out I’ve been searching for a story that looks just like everyone else’s. In my jealousy and narrow view of my life’s purpose, I’ve considered my story boring, worthless, not worth telling. But life with Jesus isn’t like that! It’s exciting and meaningful and important. And I am all of those things, too.
Two weeks ago I sat in a muggy back yard and listened to my friend Tony deliver a message to a group of high school kids at Young Life club. It ended up being exactly what I needed to hear, too. Part of his message was a warning against filling in the blank.
You know the blank. Something like: “If I could just __________, then I’d be happy.”
The blank is a dangerous, alluring, tempting space where my selfish desires and pursuit of false fulfillment live. “But our hearts long for more than that,” he said. For more than what we see. For more than what we comprehend. For more than the stories we think we need. Our hearts long for our own unique God-authored stories.
Today is my 31st birthday. I guess I officially have to say I’m “in my 30s” now. (Don’t I sound so wise?) I don’t know what will happen this year. I don’t know how my story will advance. Maybe according to the world’s standards — and the ones I’m trying so desperately to break free from — it won’t. I probably won’t get married this year. I definitely won’t have a baby. Just to clarify: ZERO percent chance of baby. It’s possible that I might be doing the same thing 365 days from now that I’m doing at this exact moment: sitting in my bed, cuddling with my dog, writing about my feelings and stuff.
But 31 years ago today, God started writing a story, and he made me the star. There are chapters only He and I know about. There are parts that go unnoticed and uncelebrated. But it doesn’t mean they’re not worth sharing. I can tell you all about it, but you’ll have to sit through all the boring parts. I promise it won’t be boring forever, though. The calm is just a break.
Your story through my eyes:
You are a tiny petite blond curly headed girl. You are kind. You really are kind. I know a lot of people say people are kind, but you set the standard. The definition of kind is warm, generous, and sympathetic. You embody those qualities gracefully. Who is Tara B? You are a person who finds beauty in what others never, and humor in what most never allow themselves to see. You are a person who makes it ok to laugh, be silly, be serious, be quiet, be spiritual, be yourself. You are the most loyal person I know. When you love you love deeply. When you give to others it comes from a place of sincerity and love. You are the person who doesn’t say no to other very easily. You are that person who will give and give and give without asking for anything in return. When you hurt, you hurt deeper than most because it’s unimaginable to you to hurt anyone. You pour your heart and love into others because you have a need in your heart to do so. Not because of expectations, not to be noticed, not to get something in return, you do it simply because you’ve listened to God’s tugging on your heart to love others.
Oh Tara B, see yourself through my eyes, through the eyes of people you’ve touched, through God’s eyes. He’s not done with you yet. I am one who likes to read the last chapter of a book to determine if it’s worth me reading. I want to know how a movie ends before I decide if it’s ok for me to watch. Life isn’t like a movie, or a book. We have to live each chapter, we have to read or watch each sequel. In other words, we have to enjoy the journey we are on. The beautiful thing about your story is that you get to write it. You and God are in charge of your story. I’m not sure there is anything more beautiful than that picture.
Happy birthday Sis. May the year ahead be filled with another chapter to your story that richly blesses you as you have blessed so many!
Thanks for loving me through the hard parts of my story, Mama.
Tears, Aunt Patty. I so agree…
Thanks, cuz. Love you. <3
I LOVE YOUR STORY. You are one of my favorite stories!
I don’t want to remember any times in my life before you were in it. <3
Hey Tara!
First off, I love your writing and actually read it (which might surprise you, given the fact that we met…11 years ago when I was an exchange student at Madison Grant and you a Taylor college student that did this Campus Life (live?) thingy 🙂
I have an off-topic question – I really like the design of this blog, what did you use (as a provider??)
You’d really help me out, I’ve been thinking about writing myself but aaalways put it off…
Wow! Marlen! It is so great to hear from you! Thanks for the lovely compliment! I use WordPress and a theme I purchased from http://www.restored316designs.com. They have a great selection of cute/feminine WordPress themes. I added a custom font and some other things…but out of the box, their themes are wonderful! I highly recommend them.
Oh, dear Tara–first of all, Happy Birthday!
I have so enjoyed your blog, and have wanted to comment every time: “YES!! I can SO relate!” But I had resolved to not comment, because I know at 31 I didn’t want to be the age I am now and still single. People would tell me about thier freind, cousin, cashier at the grocery store, etc., who didn’t get married until they were 56, 73, 89 or whatever. And I’m thinking, “If that’s supposed to encourage me, sorry.” I was afraid that giving you a hearty amen for each blog post might feel like that kind of “encouragement”.
But I can’t help myself today! =) I was reminded of when my good (single) friend Diane told me, probably when we were in our mid-30’s, about a conversation she had just had with another friend of hers. Diane and this friend were college classmates who ended up working at the same place after graduation. The freind was marveling about how many changes she’d been through since meeting Diane–college graduation, first jobs, marriage, babies, and I believe at this point the friend was leaving for a new job. Diane just burst into tears and when the friend asked what was the matter, Diane said, “Everything in my life is exactly the same as it was 11 years ago.”
It can feel like everyone else’s pages are filling up so fast they can hardly get the page turned in time to start the next one, and you’re still staring at a blank page. But as your wise father commented above, we have to live our story and can’t see even the next letter that will be written. I pray that you’ll learn much sooner than I have to enjoy the luxury of being able to scuba dive rather than water ski through your life. Both are great fun, and most likely, there will be times that you get to enjoy a wild ride due to any number of exciting things that God chooses to bring into your life. But for now, as you experience the quiet and slow movement of the deep you are free to examine beauty and uncover treasures that the skiiers can’t see now. That doesn’t sound too boring to me!
Hi, Debbie! Thank you so much for your comment. I really love that analogy of the water skier and the scuba diver. Such an interesting and refreshing perspective! Please keep sharing your experiences and life wisdom. It IS encouraging to hear from a woman who lives to serve God and love people. Single, married, divorced, twice divorced — doesn’t matter to me! They are all stories that matter.
Tara, you are so wise and thoughtful. Your love for Christ is truly a beautiful and attractive thing, it’s something I don’t see in many single women, unfortunately. The Lord will be sure to use your singleness in wonderful ways to serve Him right now, I’m sure of it. As you probably know, Paul even said singleness is a gift because you can focus your time completely on serving Christ (1 Cor. 7).
I’m in pretty much the same boat, which is why while reading this I kept thinking “Man, maybe I should have moved closer to Indy instead of Portland. Tara is so thoughtful, we’d have so much to talk about.”
And you have a dog too?! What’s the breed?! I want a pup so bad, my little friend Baxter (bichon frise) passed away when I was 22 and I had him since I was 6.
First of all, tears for Baxter. Poor little guy. Losing a pup is the saddest.
Also, thanks for your encouragement! It’s a challenge to embrace life and not wish for what may or may not be in the actual future. Reminders to serve God and let him take care of the rest are very, very welcome.
I bet Portland totally rules! I’ve always wanted to visit the Pacific Northwest, but I’ve never had a good excuse to. Or a traveling buddy. Maybe someday!
You are the sweetest.
Yes, I’m with you–I often feel the need to have a perfectly-packaged story or to fit into the plot lines I think I’m supposed to be fitting into. Thanks for using your beautiful words to speak truth and remind me of the danger of filling in that blank with anything other than Christ. 🙂
Thank you so much for your comment, Rachel! And thanks for reading! Isn’t life a super weird thing? I think I needed to see this comment today to remind me, yet again, that my life has purpose and that it is not my own. We don’t own our stories. We just keep them and take care of them for a little while. Thanks for that reminder!